I’m alive. Apparently not very good at keeping up a blog, but I’m alive. Can’t even muster up a picture at the top of this post with a coordinating quote, because if that picture indicated my life right now it would be a stack of books I’m confused about, a schedule for a job I never thought I would be doing, and a “To Do” list I might as well throw away at this point. My intention was at least a monthly post, but you know, life and stuff. We’ll call it a summer sabbatical because that sounds better than my first summer in 14 years without a job. I would love to be able to have something profound to say after so many months of writing nothing, but I really don’t. With weird transitions come weird feelings. I am thankful to be able to come before the Lord honest about my feelings toward His plan for my life. I have found peace in the midst of the confusion. Mainly in this:
It is the Lord. Let him do what seems good to him. -1 Samuel 3:18
I don’t know why the Lord chooses to reveal His plan in ways that are the exact opposite of my own plan. I don’t know why my plan wasn’t His plan, because, in my opinion, my plan was awesome. I do know that maybe His plan seems to be failing because I’m still holding on to my plan. I do know that my awesome plan will look like a trip to Walmart in comparison to His plan. I do know that each day I feel I’m failing, God reminds me that He is faithful and in Him I have much hope.
I’m weak. I’m selfish. I want my plan and my way. But God is a God of grace and mercy and love. I’ve asked Him several times to reconsider my plan, but His love for me is too great to let me have my own way. My life is His and His instruction will come in His own time and in His own way. By His grace, I will stand in this confusion and say, “It is the Lord. Let Him do what seems good to Him.”
Cease striving and know that I am God. -Psalm 46:10